Into the Ocean
by soulmatesDC
Summary: Derek always loved the beach . . . he hated that he was now using it as his escape. Oneshot songfic.


A/N: This is what came from listening to this song about a million times. This story crept into my head and wouldn't leave me alone. It's really vague. I could probably make it better, but I decided that it is what it is.

Song: "Into the Ocean" by Blue October

Enjoy and review

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

**I'm just a normal boy  
That sank when I fell overboard  
My ship would leave the country  
But I'd rather swim ashore**

**Without a life that's sadly stuck again  
Wish I was much more masculine  
Maybe then I could learn to swim  
Like 'fourteen miles away'**

Derek always loved the beach. The salty air, rough sand, cool breeze. He could never get enough. And the eerie yet reassuring feeling he got when he was on the beach at night could match the high of any junkie you would find on the street.

He hated that he was now using it as his escape.

Walking along some beach in California, Derek glanced down to the watch on his wrist. 12:34 am. No one was around and he was glad for that. He wouldn't be able to wallow in his self-pity around others. Looking behind him, he saw the trail his footsteps he left behind. It looked like they went on for miles.

He left a party earlier that night. Having fun was not something he planned on doing during this vacation. All of his already inebriated buddies tried to show him a good time, but Derek couldn't bring himself to enjoy his winter break from school. So he left the hotel room around 9 pm and found his own little paradise. Unfortunately, it quickly became his torture chamber.

He wanted to fall asleep and not think anymore, but he knew sleep would not come to him that night. His brain decided that it did not want to rest. His subconscious screamed at his idiotic ways and drifted to thoughts he should not be thinking.

Giving up on his only welcome thought of trying to walk the coastline of California, Derek sat down in the sand. It was cool beneath him, and it wasn't until then that he realized that he took off his shoes. He had no idea when he did that or what he did with them.

Staring out, watching the waves crash in front of him, Derek took solace in the sounds surrounding him. It was overpowering his thoughts for the time being. The soothing sounds began to remind him of silly things that made no sense. Marti's laughter, the puck sliding across the ice, leaves rustling in the wind, Nora's stew and sadly her fingernails tapping on a table.

**You're floating up and down  
I spin, colliding into sound  
Like whales beneath me diving down  
I'm sinking to the bottom of my  
Everything that freaks me out  
The lighthouse beam has just run out  
I'm cold as cold as cold can be  
be**

Letting out the breath that seemed to catch in his throat, Derek let his body fall back into the sand. Bringing his hands to the back of his head, he formed a makeshift pillow between his head and the sand. Gazing up at the stars, he let his mind wander back to what he was desperately trying to avoid.

These thoughts crawled into his head all the time. During class, when he ate, in the shower, playing hockey, while he slept. They never left him alone.

They drove him crazy. He wondered why he wasn't hospitalized yet. He once noticed himself tearing pieces of paper into little hearts. It wasn't until he had a large pile on his bed that he realized he had sat there for over an hour lost in his thoughts. It really scared him.

It was just too much.

He wanted to be stronger. He wanted to be able to control his emotions. He wanted to think he was able to get over it. He didn't want to love her.

**I want to swim away but don't know how  
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean  
Let the waves up take me down  
Let the hurricane set in motion  
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down  
Let the rain come down**

It had been 3 months, 22 days, 16 hours, 38 minutes and he was pretty sure 43, 44, 45 seconds since he had last seen her.

They went off to different colleges. She went in one direction and Derek thought it would be best if he would go in the opposite direction. 'The distance would stop this' he told himself months ago. He remembered applying to schools while he looked at a map on his computer, strategically making his choices far from her own.

A clean break, that's all he really wanted. But his heart wouldn't let that happen. It was mocking him. It told him he made a stupid decision and it convinced his brain to do some very stupid things.

Contact was what he wanted to avoid above all else. But Derek found he couldn't stay away. After hours spent chastising himself for needing the contact he told himself he didn't want, he decided to find it.

Emails would be the best way. Derek could keep contact without hearing her voice, without being swept away while his ears held on to every word she would breathe. But every word he typed as a reply would hold a different meaning, ones that he could never find himself to get out.

'Congratulations on the A+' – _You absolutely amaze me._

'I'll write back soon' – _I miss you._

'From Derek' – _I love you with all my heart._

**Where is the coastguard  
I keep looking each direction  
For a spotlight, give me something  
I need something for protection  
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine  
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind  
I'm treading for my life believe me  
(How can I keep up this breathing)  
**

Derek couldn't pinpoint when he developed these feelings. It seemed to be a few things that culminated into this huge mass that was unavoidable. And for every little thing he tried to find to rid himself of these thoughts, he found 100 more that made his feelings multiply.

He used to watch her. He told himself a thousand lies as to why he did. The truth was that he really had no idea. He didn't know what drew him to her. But it was like a magnet and Derek couldn't pry himself away.

'It's just that she's pretty' he would tell himself. 'It's because she didn't always believe my lies' and 'I can't get my way with her.' She was the only challenge in his life, so Derek thought that was the only attraction.

It hit him the day she cried. He felt his arms and legs begin to move towards her. Within seconds he was right in front of her and he had no idea how he got there. He felt like he floated out of his body and was watching the scene unfold. Holding her in his arms he saw the look on his face. Derek looked pained, pained by the fact that she was crying and he couldn't help her.

That completely freaked him out.

That was the day he decided to go as far away from her as possible.

**Not knowing how to think  
I scream aloud, begin to sink  
My legs and arms are broken down  
With envy for the solid ground  
I'm reaching for the life within me  
How can one man stop his ending  
I thought of just your face  
Relaxed, and floated into space  
**

And now he was lying in the sand on some beach miles away from home. He was avoiding her. He was avoiding his heart.

He was a coward.

Her last email said that she was excited to be coming home for the first time since they both left in late august. She said she would see him in a few days.

Panic set in. He thought a few months away would smother the feelings he felt. Derek thought that he would be able to see her again without wanting her, without loving her. But his heart caught in his throat with the realization that in a few short days he would be once again face to face with her.

So he ran.

After sending a quick email to his father he packed a bag and took his college friends up on their offer of a vacation to the states. He didn't even say goodbye.

While on the plane he began to think of what he was doing. Derek was steering clear of his heart. He was afraid. Afraid of rejection, of her and of himself.

**  
I want to swim away but don't know how  
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean  
Let the waves up take me down  
Let the hurricane set in motion  
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down   
Let the rain come down  
Let the rain come down **

Relaxing in his position, he began to find patterns in the night sky. Lines began to form between the stars. The outline of her face became visible as well as words that he associated with her. One of which, unfortunately for Derek, was 'love'.

Shutting his eyes tightly he wanted to rid himself of all these thoughts and visions. He wanted to not see her in his head or in the stars or in his future. He wanted to turn back time to before he ever met her.

Although he wanted a lot, he had come to realize the one thing he wanted above all else. He wanted to be normal.

Normalcy was not something that could come from this particular situation though. Feelings would forever be kept in and the love felt would never be reciprocated. A life together was only a dream. But to him, a relationship with her is what he considered normal.

Loving her and having her love him back would be considered normal and that's all he really wanted.

**Now waking to the sun  
I calculate what I had done  
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)  
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)  
It's midnight's late reminder of  
The loss of her, the one I love  
My will to quickly end it all  
So thought no end my need to fall  
**

But he took a different path, one that had became normal to him. Avoidance, escape, fleeing, this vacation. This only made him want to disappear.

And when the sand seemed to shift near him, Derek thought that the earth took pity on him and decided to swallow him whole. Buried under a blanket of sand would become his place in life. There he would be able to hide forever.

The feeling of wanting to disappear forever overtook him. Thoughts of running away, away from everything, interested him. He could leave school, leave this beach, leave his life, leave her.

Plans began to flood his head. He would buy a map, throw a dart and fly to wherever the dart landed. He would change his name and he could probably find some sort of a job. It would be hard, but he would do it.

Closing his eyes again that night, his plans left his head. Derek could only see her smiling face and he knew he couldn't do it. He couldn't never see her again. Although it would break his heart, he had to see her.

And he realized what this little vacation was. It was a disaster . . . because distance makes the heart grow fonder. Derek still loved her, and he probably would for a long time.

**  
Into the ocean, end it all  
Into the ocean, end it all  
Into the ocean, end it all  
into the ocean...end it all  
**

Looking at his watch again, he noticed that it was a little after 2 am. It was time for Derek to face the world.

Turning over, he saw her next to him. It was a sight that he saw far too many times. He could see her lying on her back with her eyes closed and hands resting underneath her head. He saw her chest rise with the air that was filling her lungs.

He would reach out to touch her, but she would disappear when he got too close. It happened before and it would happen again.

**  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) **

Breathing out the sigh in his chest, he turned back to the ocean.

"You're suffocating me Casey. I feel like I'm drowning."

Without looking back, almost sure she would no longer be there because his imagination would only let her linger for a little bit, he got up and began to continue his walk of the coastline.

**I want to swim away but don't know how  
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean  
Let the waves up take me down  
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)  
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down  
Let the rain come down  
Let the rain come down  
**

Getting a few feet away from where he wanted to sink into the earth, he felt a tug at his shirt. When he turned to see which of his friends found him, he found it hard to breathe.

Standing before him was the one person he never expected to see but wanted to above all else. He couldn't process a thought. He couldn't blink his eyes. He couldn't do anything but stare into her own.

Thoughts began to slowly creep back into Derek's head. He thought he was going insane. Turning again, he decided to check into a hospital, maybe get a CAT scan or something. His brain had to be hemorrhaging.

"Derek," made him stop. She never spoke in his imagination.

Closing his eyes, he drew in a long breath. Maybe he was just overly exhausted. Or maybe he was drunk, even though he didn't drink anything at the party earlier that night.

When he turned, she was still there. "Am I dreaming?"

"What kind of question is that? 'Am I dreaming?' What is wrong with you Derek?" This time he saw her lips move. He saw the tiredness in her eyes. He felt her presence.

"What are you doing here Casey?"

Casey shrugged and began to walk past him. He trailed behind her by a few steps, placing his own feet in the trail she was leaving. She didn't look back as she spoke. She knew he would hear her, she knew he was following her. "I've really missed you."

Looking at the back of her head, Derek mouthed 'me too.' He couldn't bring himself to speak. He couldn't admit it. He couldn't show his feelings. He couldn't be himself.

"How has your vacation been so far?"

Derek still couldn't say anything. Words were lost to him. He felt like a vessel devoid of any intelligence.

Turning around, Casey looked into Derek's eyes, causing him to stop a few steps behind her. "What are you so afraid of?"

Derek saw her eyes flicker. He saw it. He saw what he was thinking this whole time. He saw that she was running too.

Barely above a whisper, Derek finally answered Casey. "I'm afraid this won't be normal."

Taking a few steps forward, Casey invaded Derek's personal space. "This can be normal" she whispered.

He didn't understand how she was able to be so strong.

Grabbing his hand and intertwining her fingers with his, she answered his thoughts. "I was sick of running."

Before he could process anything, her lips were on his and thoughts were lost once again. It was magic. It was bliss. It was what he always wanted.

**Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)  
In to space  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)  
I thought of just your face  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)   
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)**

It was normal.


End file.
